April 9, 2001 -

HILLARY HUSTINGS HUSTLEMANIA!

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She's out, Gray is getting it and then there's the head boob from the toob.

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Now, the details...

NEW YORK -- Sen. Hillary Clinton, D-Carpetbag, shocked Clintonistas everywhere by telling a New York newspaper she will never run for President of the United States. Hillary insiders said loving consideration for her husband, Bill Clinton, D-Corruption, was key to her decision. "If she were President and Bill were the First Thingamajig, it would be horrible. There would be President Hillary, maybe selling nuclear secrets to the Red Chinese and negotiating fees for presidential pardons, and forgotten Bill would be back in the White House, slaving over a hot intern," said Slihm Baggerly, a Hillary aide.

SACRAMENTO -- In an epochal week, startling new facts came to the attention of California Gov. Gray (Blackout) Davis, who discovered that Granola Statians have a power crisis. The low-wattage Los Angeles Times put it this way: "Calling the upheaval in California's deregulated electricity market a `crisis' for the first time, Davis enumerated steps he has taken, then said he has fought `tooth and nail against raising rates'." Davis is expected to call for burning California Republicans in order to create new electric supply. "The evil Republicans have given us an electric grid based on fossil fuels and every Democrat in California knows that all fossils are Republicans," Davis said, adding: "It only seems fair."

Davis called for the publishing industry to format all books to comprise only 10 chapters. "If we can eliminate Chapter 11 from the national lexicon then California electric companies won't be able to file for bankruptcy and Babs Streisand's hot tub will stay warm," he said. Davis also renewed his demand that President Bush quickly repeal the laws of supply and demand. "President Clinton was able to rapidly exterminate long-standing moral codes about lying, stealing and fooling around. Bush should be able to solve this little problem in a couple of minutes," Davis said.

WASHINGTON -- In an AP story that could have been scripted by the writers of "Saturday Night Live," Democrats accused President George W. Bush of not doing enough to keep electricity rates low in the Granola State. Rep. Jay Inslee, Washington, and Sen. Jeff Bingaman, New Mexico, intoned: "The Bush administration's excuses and inaction won't pay your bills." All true. The administration also has no policy to end static cling, exterminate toenail fungus, restless-leg syndrome or to raise the median IQ of California residents above 60. Even worse, Bush has been in office for almost 80 days and has yet to build one new power plant in Beverly Hills.

NEW DELHI -- Seeking to copy a United States political trend, India's eunuchs are seeking political power. A one-named fellow, Madhu, 37, is running to become the chief minister of something called Uttar Pradesh. "It is better to elect eunuchs, who neither have a family nor ways and means to become corrupt," Madhu maintained. Eunuchs have no social standing in India, dress like women and make a living dancing at weddings and balls. Madhu hopes his campaign is successful but has a fallback strategy. "If the sex-crazed Uttar Pradesh voters turn me down I will move to California and become Governor," he said.

TOW, Texas -- Complaints are muted over the Postal Service's threat to eliminate Saturday delivery of snail mail. Seeking a better understanding of the lack of hubbub about the issue, we interviewed Colt Ruger, head of the Postal Pest's Sniper Squad. "It's a Second Amendment thing," said Ruger, popping off a few rounds at a popup target of a Post Office customer. "Americans feel free to burn flags, riot in the streets, loot Wal-Marts and rape and pillage, but most are bright enough to know that Postal Service people are armed and dangerous and will respond with deadly force if irritated even slightly," Ruger ruminated. Ruger said his elite unit is working with Postal Potentates to craft a new slogan. "The one I like goes something like, `Raise Our Rates, or Take a Bullet,'" he said.

AUSTIN, Texas -- Dan Rather, the man who is the first word in the phrase "boob tube," apologized for being the featured speaker at a Democratic party fund- raiser last month in Austin. Rather said he never realized that his daughter, Robin, is a prominent Austin liberal Democrat who plans to run for mayor. "I have been rather busy, so to speak, and my wife never told me we have a daughter," Rather reticulated. He said his stern principles of honor, decency and objectivity led him to reject advice from former Vice President Algore that he say he thought the Austin money-grubbery was a Community Outreach event. A Rather flak said his boss wants to even things up. "Dan is asking all his friends for the names of suspected Republicans so he can get to know one," said longtime CBS associate Fack Manglur.

CHICAGO -- An association of Italian-American lawyers filed suit in Cook County Circuit Court, seeking redress over HBO's series "The Sopranos." The lawsuit was filed under the Illinois Constitution's little-known "individual dignity" clause. The HBO series depicts Italian-American mobsters as Italian-American mobsters. "We are going to proceed with this before we let another day go by," said Chicago lawyer Vinnie (Noneck) Marcello.

QUESTION FOR THE DAY: If guns are outlawed, will the Postal Service go nuclear?

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